She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I need moral support for this bender
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
