i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize