I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
