well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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