You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
