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Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
