If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
