I wish my penis had an off switch
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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