my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
