remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
How's work?
Spinning.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
