I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
