yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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