My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
