I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
