If i come over, it means nothing
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
