I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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