I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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