Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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