she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
