Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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