Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize