sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
