can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
