If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
