Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
