My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
