No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
