I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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