why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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