I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
