Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
