Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You did what with his pubic hair?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
