chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
