Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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