even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
