I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
