Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
