My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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