**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
