I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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