That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
