so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
