At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
