Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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