Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
He has the fingertips of a God
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