then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
