Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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