I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
