kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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