Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
