so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
