paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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