Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
