hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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