The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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