I'd wear matching sweaters with you
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
