My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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