I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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