So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
