Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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